At least, that's what I think of today as. It was 3 years ago that I lost my precious little one. It was so early it would probably be considered a chemical pregnancy, but I figure that was my baby. I knew the moment it was concieved, and I knew the moment it died. I never got to see a picture, never even the doctor's verification that I was pregnant, just 3 positive pregnancy tests over three days. Then came that awful feeling, that knowing that something was wrong. For three wonderful days I knew I was a Mother.
And yet, now people look at me strange if I celebrate mother's day. I'm meeting with a social worker tomorrow morning to continue the process to be a mother to a child who currently has none. I waited to see if I would get pregnant again, after all, there were three other women who lost their first baby within a few months of mine, and they all have at least one child now, actually, two of the three now have 2 kids. But, it was not to be, at least not yet. We shall see what happens as time goes on.
As time passed, (passes) I continue to wonder if my first baby was taken away so soon so that I would follow this road of adoption. Would I have otherwise? Would I have even looked at the option? Or would I have revelled in "my" baby, never even thinking of all the others who are already in this world desperately needing a family? Now I see them, now I know how much I am needed. Maybe not for my little tiny baby that never had to deal with the pain and trials of this world...but for a growing child that has already suffered far more than anyone should ever have to suffer, I am needed.
That's how I cope. That simple knowledge that one day (hopefully soon) I will have my child. I may gain an entire family at once...who knows? But I will know that my baby was not an entire loss. Look at the good that came from losing that tiny little one!
