Because it has been so long since I have posted, I'll give just a little bit of an update.
In the last year and a half, we finished the paperwork for adoption, started looking at profiles for children available, agreed to foster two small children (1 year old boy, and 2 year old girl; siblings), fostered them for 4 months, moved them to a new foster home after my husband lost his job, we moved across the nation, I got pregnant, and we moved into a home that we pray will be our home for several years at least.
We learned that moving out of state causes the whole adoption process to stop, and we get to start all over again with the paperwork and everything. So, that little bit of information, along with our social worker telling us that the system likes the adoptive parents to be in a stable situation before the process starts, helped us come to the decision that we would wait for at least a year before starting things back up.
It was a difficult decision. We had been so close! We'd put our name and profile out there for several different social workers to look at to consider us for the children in their care. We were just waiting for the right child. Now we're back at square one. It was one of the hardest things about my husband losing his job, but in this too, I had to trust that my God is a good God, and as such, does good things. Sometimes it's hard to see the good, sometimes it's almost impossible for our human eyes to see the good, but I know that it must be.
So, after driving across the USA, from Southwest Oregon, across Idaho, Utah, Montana, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, and half of Indiana, we settled into an apartment on April 2, just a week after arriving in IN. (We stayed the first week with some very dear friends, while looking for a place to call home.) Two weeks after moving into the apartment, we celebrated our 4th anniversary. What an amazing, crazy 4 years we've had together! We've driven across the US twice, lived in 4 homes in 3 states, loved and lost 3 children, (counting the 2 foster kids, and our miscarriage), discovered a major medical problem that I have, lived for a year in the craziest of uncertain times, stood strong through one of the greatest tests we can imagine having to face and emerged victorious, and find ourselves geographically almost exactly where we started our married life. It's surreal at times. Sometimes it feels like we never left, then something will remind us, and it causes a pang of hurt that is eased by the constant reminder that our God is a good God, and He has blessed us so very much!
On our anniversary, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I had no real reason to do so, it just seemed like something to do. That test was as negative as I was sure it would be. Just like every other test I'd taken except for those 3 that told me I was a mother, no matter how briefly. So, I threw it away. Let's face it, after 4 years, I'd come to expect that, so even though I was disappointed, it wasn't too bad.
One week later, I was feeling rather out of sorts, not myself, and just all around funny. Food wasn't tasting right, nothing was smelling quite right, I was sooo tired. I chalked it up to delayed jet lag, after all, we had just driven through 3 time zones, and, with daylight saving time, we'd lost 4 hours. My dear, sweet husband was very concerned, and suggested that I take a pregnancy test. I told him of the one I'd taken a week earlier, and he still thought I should take another. So, I did. And, I cried. That test came up positive with no room for doubt, in just seconds.
The one thing I knew would never happen again just had. And I was scared. I was scared, thrilled, excited, and so very surprised. My beloved put me to bed with a book and a glass of water, then decided we would go to the doctor to get a confirmation, and possibly some advice as to what we should do now. The doctor did confirm that I was pregnant, and said just go on with normal life. Thanks doc! That was helpful. I really wanted a list of things to do, and not to do, but it turns out he was right.
At first, I was super careful about what I did, ate, etc., but after about 4 weeks of that, I realised that my actions showed that I wasn't trusting God to do what was best. After that, I took reasonable precautions, but started relaxing, and just living a normal life again. At 12 weeks, on Father's day, we told our families. I was still struggling with the what ifs, but would deal with them by praying, thanking God for all of His provisions. I would thank Him for the gift of this baby for today. Each day that I was still pregnant was one more day to enjoy God's gift of motherhood. Even after I started feeling movement around 16 weeks, I would worry. It would seem like the baby wouldn't move for a day or two, and it would start to get to me, and I would again have to turn to God in prayer, and thank Him for the blessings He had given me. It got to be rather frustrating, as I thought I'd learned the lesson, then have to relearn it again the next day or week. Finally, my preacher husband helped me a lot by reminding me that even though I was carrying this baby, there was nothing I could do to maintain the life of the baby I carried within. This child that God had given us was still entirely in His hands. Whether the baby lived or died was God's choice. We were responsible only to rejoice today in His gift, and trust Him to do that which was best for us on the morrow.
We found out that our little baby is our first son, and he is due in just 7 weeks, on January 1, 2011. We moved a month ago into a home that we are renting from our church, and we hope to be here until we are old and grey. We are looking forward to meeting our little guy (though I don't think he'll be very little for long) and teaching him, helping him grow into a godly young man.
With this news, I've been uncertain how to continue this blog, but I've decided to continue it as I started it. Hannah herself was given a son after praying earnestly for him. Even through the joys of this pregnancy, knowing now what it is like to feel my child growing and moving inside of me, I still feel the heartache of those women who do not know, and those who are hesitant to enjoy it because of the fear of losing another child, and the emotional difficulty that would bring. It would be a blessing to me to know that I was able to encourage one woman who is going down this road of uncertainty, whether because of infertility or the loss of a child.
