Rambling

It's spring again, and I'm ready to get out and work and clean everything! It's amazing what a little sunshine will do!

Hopefully later todayI'll be able to get some more done on the paperwork, it seems like it's taking forever. I never imagined that it would be so emotionally draining. It's hard to think of answers to some of the questions, and there are others that are difficult because of the memories they drag up. It'll all be worth it, if at the end of it all, I can be a Mother to some hurting child or children.

It is days like today that I really want to go take a walk with my little son or daughter. I know that at some point, one way or another, if God is willing, I will be able to do so. It's the waiting that's so hard!

Almost three months ago, I was handed a diagnosis of PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Not a fun thing, but I am very glad for some answers. It explains the miscarriage that I had, and several other problems that have had me very concerned over the past few years. Now, taking medication for it, I am feeling SO much better, several things have straightened themselves out, and I just feel better generally. I'd been having migraines every day since August, and those have gone now. I also have so much more energy, and have fewer sugar cravings - which had been coming very frequently.

It also means, though, that it will be harder for me to ever have children. It will be harder to concieve, and harder to carry a baby to term. I understand this, and have come to terms with the fact that I may never be able to experience the wonder of having my child growing within me, but somedays it's just the hardest thing to think of.

There are women out there who take birth control until they want a baby, then get pregnant right after they stop taking them. I am very happy for these women that they can get pregnant and have their baby, but it's really hard sometimes wondering why. Why isn't a question that we're really supposed to ask, especially in this, but it seems that it would be easier with just an answer to that little question.

Someday I will have finished all the paperwork, and will be able to go on with the process to adopt a child, but until then, I will enjoy the wonderful life that I have, with my beloved, and the children of friends and family who are nearby.

Before you scream

About a week after my first major breakthrough, I had several things that were all getting to the point of being unbearable. One big thing was that my husband was having trouble finding a good job, which was causing him to be stressed. But, probably the worst was the spiders! These giant spiders were terribly huge! One day I found one in the bottom of one of my coffee mugs that I had sitting on the counter waiting to have coffee poured in. That sucker was so big, he filled the bottom of my mug! Ugh, it was so disgusting, I placed a saucer over the top of the mug to keep it in there until my wonderful husband could come home and get rid of it for me. Also, these nasty things RUN. They don't build webs, but they run really fast. For a while, we were killing at least one a day. It was a horrific thing!


Shortly after killing that day's spider, I was speaking with a friend of mine, and she said "It sounds like God's trying to see how much you can take before you'll scream."

It was in that moment that I realised that I had been (figuratively) screaming at God. I kept thinking, "Why are we having so much trouble with: finding a job, having a baby, dealing with icky spiders and crazy families," etc. Again, I thought about that day's mimi sermon, (about how we deserve nothing but death, and the fire of Hell for eternity) and realised that the whole time I was so upset about all of these things, the very God I had been asking "Why?" gave His ONLY Son for me!

And I had been grumbling about the fact that He took my first baby, when He had willingly given His Son for me! I couldn't believe it! It was so very selfish of me. Once again, I had to stop and ask His forgiveness for my bad attitude.

I still struggle with bad attitudes, it can still be hard for me to see friends and family with children, and pregnant, but before I get too grumpy and whiney, I remember that my Lord gave His life for me, and that was far more grace than I should ever receive!