At least, that's what I think of today as. It was 3 years ago that I lost my precious little one. It was so early it would probably be considered a chemical pregnancy, but I figure that was my baby. I knew the moment it was concieved, and I knew the moment it died. I never got to see a picture, never even the doctor's verification that I was pregnant, just 3 positive pregnancy tests over three days. Then came that awful feeling, that knowing that something was wrong. For three wonderful days I knew I was a Mother.
And yet, now people look at me strange if I celebrate mother's day. I'm meeting with a social worker tomorrow morning to continue the process to be a mother to a child who currently has none. I waited to see if I would get pregnant again, after all, there were three other women who lost their first baby within a few months of mine, and they all have at least one child now, actually, two of the three now have 2 kids. But, it was not to be, at least not yet. We shall see what happens as time goes on.
As time passed, (passes) I continue to wonder if my first baby was taken away so soon so that I would follow this road of adoption. Would I have otherwise? Would I have even looked at the option? Or would I have revelled in "my" baby, never even thinking of all the others who are already in this world desperately needing a family? Now I see them, now I know how much I am needed. Maybe not for my little tiny baby that never had to deal with the pain and trials of this world...but for a growing child that has already suffered far more than anyone should ever have to suffer, I am needed.
That's how I cope. That simple knowledge that one day (hopefully soon) I will have my child. I may gain an entire family at once...who knows? But I will know that my baby was not an entire loss. Look at the good that came from losing that tiny little one!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Rambling
It's spring again, and I'm ready to get out and work and clean everything! It's amazing what a little sunshine will do!
Hopefully later todayI'll be able to get some more done on the paperwork, it seems like it's taking forever. I never imagined that it would be so emotionally draining. It's hard to think of answers to some of the questions, and there are others that are difficult because of the memories they drag up. It'll all be worth it, if at the end of it all, I can be a Mother to some hurting child or children.
It is days like today that I really want to go take a walk with my little son or daughter. I know that at some point, one way or another, if God is willing, I will be able to do so. It's the waiting that's so hard!
Almost three months ago, I was handed a diagnosis of PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Not a fun thing, but I am very glad for some answers. It explains the miscarriage that I had, and several other problems that have had me very concerned over the past few years. Now, taking medication for it, I am feeling SO much better, several things have straightened themselves out, and I just feel better generally. I'd been having migraines every day since August, and those have gone now. I also have so much more energy, and have fewer sugar cravings - which had been coming very frequently.
It also means, though, that it will be harder for me to ever have children. It will be harder to concieve, and harder to carry a baby to term. I understand this, and have come to terms with the fact that I may never be able to experience the wonder of having my child growing within me, but somedays it's just the hardest thing to think of.
There are women out there who take birth control until they want a baby, then get pregnant right after they stop taking them. I am very happy for these women that they can get pregnant and have their baby, but it's really hard sometimes wondering why. Why isn't a question that we're really supposed to ask, especially in this, but it seems that it would be easier with just an answer to that little question.
Someday I will have finished all the paperwork, and will be able to go on with the process to adopt a child, but until then, I will enjoy the wonderful life that I have, with my beloved, and the children of friends and family who are nearby.
Hopefully later todayI'll be able to get some more done on the paperwork, it seems like it's taking forever. I never imagined that it would be so emotionally draining. It's hard to think of answers to some of the questions, and there are others that are difficult because of the memories they drag up. It'll all be worth it, if at the end of it all, I can be a Mother to some hurting child or children.
It is days like today that I really want to go take a walk with my little son or daughter. I know that at some point, one way or another, if God is willing, I will be able to do so. It's the waiting that's so hard!
Almost three months ago, I was handed a diagnosis of PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Not a fun thing, but I am very glad for some answers. It explains the miscarriage that I had, and several other problems that have had me very concerned over the past few years. Now, taking medication for it, I am feeling SO much better, several things have straightened themselves out, and I just feel better generally. I'd been having migraines every day since August, and those have gone now. I also have so much more energy, and have fewer sugar cravings - which had been coming very frequently.
It also means, though, that it will be harder for me to ever have children. It will be harder to concieve, and harder to carry a baby to term. I understand this, and have come to terms with the fact that I may never be able to experience the wonder of having my child growing within me, but somedays it's just the hardest thing to think of.
There are women out there who take birth control until they want a baby, then get pregnant right after they stop taking them. I am very happy for these women that they can get pregnant and have their baby, but it's really hard sometimes wondering why. Why isn't a question that we're really supposed to ask, especially in this, but it seems that it would be easier with just an answer to that little question.
Someday I will have finished all the paperwork, and will be able to go on with the process to adopt a child, but until then, I will enjoy the wonderful life that I have, with my beloved, and the children of friends and family who are nearby.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Before you scream
About a week after my first major breakthrough, I had several things that were all getting to the point of being unbearable. One big thing was that my husband was having trouble finding a good job, which was causing him to be stressed. But, probably the worst was the spiders! These giant spiders were terribly huge! One day I found one in the bottom of one of my coffee mugs that I had sitting on the counter waiting to have coffee poured in. That sucker was so big, he filled the bottom of my mug! Ugh, it was so disgusting, I placed a saucer over the top of the mug to keep it in there until my wonderful husband could come home and get rid of it for me. Also, these nasty things RUN. They don't build webs, but they run really fast. For a while, we were killing at least one a day. It was a horrific thing!
Shortly after killing that day's spider, I was speaking with a friend of mine, and she said "It sounds like God's trying to see how much you can take before you'll scream."
Shortly after killing that day's spider, I was speaking with a friend of mine, and she said "It sounds like God's trying to see how much you can take before you'll scream."
It was in that moment that I realised that I had been (figuratively) screaming at God. I kept thinking, "Why are we having so much trouble with: finding a job, having a baby, dealing with icky spiders and crazy families," etc. Again, I thought about that day's mimi sermon, (about how we deserve nothing but death, and the fire of Hell for eternity) and realised that the whole time I was so upset about all of these things, the very God I had been asking "Why?" gave His ONLY Son for me!
And I had been grumbling about the fact that He took my first baby, when He had willingly given His Son for me! I couldn't believe it! It was so very selfish of me. Once again, I had to stop and ask His forgiveness for my bad attitude.
I still struggle with bad attitudes, it can still be hard for me to see friends and family with children, and pregnant, but before I get too grumpy and whiney, I remember that my Lord gave His life for me, and that was far more grace than I should ever receive!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
There are times when we all get to a point where we just wander through our days trying to accomplish something, while feeling like we're in a fog. Then something happens that snaps us out of it, and we can either perk up, and get on with life, or we can get bitter, mean, and angry, concentrating on nothing but the wrong that's been done to us.
For me, this came three months after my wedding. A friend of mine miscarried her first baby at seven weeks. One week later, I found out that I was expecting. I was ecstatic! It was so amazing! I was a mom! Four days later, my little one died. It was devastating for me, I was just about crushed. I went on, going through the motions of life, waiting to get pregnant again. The longer that it went without anything happening, the more depressed I got. I just felt like I was failing as a woman. My husband was wonderful during this time, being very supportive, telling me that his love for me was not based on whether or not I could have children, and that he would stand by my side no matter what.
For nine months I wandered around in a fog, just waiting for a sign of another pregnancy. During this time, three other women who got married right around the time I did, got pregnant and had healthy babies. Two of them had miscarried their first, and got pregnant again a couple months later, carrying to term. When the third one called to tell me that her baby was born, I hung up the phone after talking with her, and bawled. I wanted to be happy for her, but was only able to think of how much I wanted that baby to be mine. I was well on my way to being bitter and angry.
Then one day, I was thinking about that day's mini-sermon, which was that "less good does not equal more evil". In other words, if I get ten dollars for my birthday, and my sister gets twenty, it does not mean that any wrong has been done to me, just because she got more. I had been thinking along the lines of "Children are a blessing, therefore, lack of children is a curse. Why have I been cursed?" I realised that my whole argument fell apart. There was no curse involved, just not as much blessing!
This completely blew the fog away, I realised that if I became bitter and angry, I would just push away the friends that I had, and would make life miserable for both my husband and myself. Also, I now had no grounds for upset! This was amazing for me, I repented of my bad attitude, my selfishness, and anger, turned around, and started walking in the other direction. Toward getting on with life, rather than dwelling on one little day that happened almost a year previous.
It has been freeing! Sure, there are days that I still look back. There are other things that helped, other struggles I've had to face, but that was the beginning of the healing of my heart.
For me, this came three months after my wedding. A friend of mine miscarried her first baby at seven weeks. One week later, I found out that I was expecting. I was ecstatic! It was so amazing! I was a mom! Four days later, my little one died. It was devastating for me, I was just about crushed. I went on, going through the motions of life, waiting to get pregnant again. The longer that it went without anything happening, the more depressed I got. I just felt like I was failing as a woman. My husband was wonderful during this time, being very supportive, telling me that his love for me was not based on whether or not I could have children, and that he would stand by my side no matter what.
For nine months I wandered around in a fog, just waiting for a sign of another pregnancy. During this time, three other women who got married right around the time I did, got pregnant and had healthy babies. Two of them had miscarried their first, and got pregnant again a couple months later, carrying to term. When the third one called to tell me that her baby was born, I hung up the phone after talking with her, and bawled. I wanted to be happy for her, but was only able to think of how much I wanted that baby to be mine. I was well on my way to being bitter and angry.
Then one day, I was thinking about that day's mini-sermon, which was that "less good does not equal more evil". In other words, if I get ten dollars for my birthday, and my sister gets twenty, it does not mean that any wrong has been done to me, just because she got more. I had been thinking along the lines of "Children are a blessing, therefore, lack of children is a curse. Why have I been cursed?" I realised that my whole argument fell apart. There was no curse involved, just not as much blessing!
This completely blew the fog away, I realised that if I became bitter and angry, I would just push away the friends that I had, and would make life miserable for both my husband and myself. Also, I now had no grounds for upset! This was amazing for me, I repented of my bad attitude, my selfishness, and anger, turned around, and started walking in the other direction. Toward getting on with life, rather than dwelling on one little day that happened almost a year previous.
It has been freeing! Sure, there are days that I still look back. There are other things that helped, other struggles I've had to face, but that was the beginning of the healing of my heart.
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